Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.