If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
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[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
never compromise your values
beware of dog
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
monday
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
groan^2
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
How can I say no to this ?
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…