Miscakes
You Might Also Like
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
*limbos away from your hug*
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
no
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.