Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.