Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of Aikiwomannc's best tweets

@Aikiwomannc : Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.

@Aikiwomannc: Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I'd love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.

@Aikiwomannc: Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?

Me: Yes, I was.

Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.

Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.

@Aikiwomannc: Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.

@Aikiwomannc: Music - rock band

Jehovah's Witness - knock band

Boats - dock band

Lip synched - mock band

Athletes - jock band

Safe cracker - lock band

Puppet - sock band

Clock maker - tock band

Chicken - b'gok band

Rooster - cock band

@Aikiwomannc: Farmer: Netflix and till

Moonshiner: Netflix and still

Estate planner: Netflix and will

Dentist: Netflix and drill

Attorney: Netflix and bill

Mountaineer: Netflix and hill

Doctor: Netflix and ill

Pharmacist: Netflix and pill

Jack: Netflix and Jill

@Aikiwomannc: Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?

Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.

@Aikiwomannc: Him: So tell me something about yourself.

Me: If you spell it backwards it's flesruoy.

Him: What?

Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.