Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.