Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.