said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
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If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.