dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
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♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
is nasa ok
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.