I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.