[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
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me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”