Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
You Might Also Like
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?