remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
You Might Also Like
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”