all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
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Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat