[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
You Might Also Like
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
A ghost story
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke