No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
You Might Also Like
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.