I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
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I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions