Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
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motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Saw your ex at the shops
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing