For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
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Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body