I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
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Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Same pineapple, same
“HELP WITH CAT”
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.