You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
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I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
i will not be silenced
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.