My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.