A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?