I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Buying a well is money well spent.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.