Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.