[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
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How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
He died doing what he loved: being alive
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?