friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
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How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.