I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
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[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Good morning.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?