Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
You Might Also Like
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
I hope this email finds you in a well
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.