Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
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My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
THE AUDACITY. 😤
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Ah..makes sense now
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET