One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
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My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom