馃拃馃拃馃ぃ Why are we like this?
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Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they鈥檒l be taken from you.
Me: You鈥檙e absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don鈥檛 go to Heaven.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You鈥檙e so dramatic.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend鈥re you gonna eat that?
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I鈥檓 gonna need a minute
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.