Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
You Might Also Like
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?