English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal