*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
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So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what