[going out]
other moms: have fun, be safe!
my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)