No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
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Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
good work, everybody
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
“How’s your day going?”
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.