Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.