friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
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WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.