Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
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Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
oh you like architecture? name three walls
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
how many bears make up a bear minimum
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket