Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?