we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
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“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
going to the ER y’all need anything
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.