before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
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VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn