“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
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So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
bias laundering edition
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Cucumbers Anonymous
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Canada has crack?
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.