Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
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Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
⛄️
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.