Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
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Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Guantanamo Bae
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind