wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
me: u ok babe?
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”