@AndrewChamings

wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him

me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six

puppy: holy shit

@AndrewChamings

if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it

@AndrewChamings

doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!

me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air

@AndrewChamings

me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat

friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony

@AndrewChamings

date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks

me: [to waiter] horse please

@AndrewChamings

inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no

@AndrewChamings

make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”

@AndrewChamings

I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”