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Page of AndrewChamings's best tweets

@AndrewChamings : [trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?

@AndrewChamings: doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!

me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air

@AndrewChamings: me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat

friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony

@AndrewChamings: date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks

me: [to waiter] horse please

@AndrewChamings: inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no

@AndrewChamings: make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”

@AndrewChamings: I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”

@AndrewChamings: date: so what do you do?

me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall

@AndrewChamings: when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”