“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off