Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks

Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches


[post sex]

Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad

Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon


Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud

Me: I know how windows work pal


Her: I like guys that are confident

Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire


*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*

Teller: holy shit

Me: what

Teller: you suck at art