Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.