HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don't sext very good
ME: you mean I don't sext very WELL
@AndyAsAdjective: INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
@AndyAsAdjective: Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don't want things to get creepy.
@AndyAsAdjective: “I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
@AndyAsAdjective: [after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
@AndyAsAdjective: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
@AndyAsAdjective: 7YR OLD: daddy, I don't want to go to bed, it's still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that's the dumbest shit I've ever heard.