Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of AndyAsAdjective's best tweets

@AndyAsAdjective : *see Shawshank on TV guide*

Wife: Don't do it

*picks up remote*

W: I said don't do it

*turns TV to Shawshank*

W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES

@AndyAsAdjective: [sexting]

HER: I want u so bad

ME: badly

HER: what?

ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb

HER: you don't sext very good

ME: you mean I don't sext very WELL

@AndyAsAdjective: INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?

ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine

@AndyAsAdjective: Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don't want things to get creepy.

@AndyAsAdjective: “I really can’t stay“

Baby, it’s cold outside

“My Uber’s on its way”

Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride

@AndyAsAdjective: [after sex]

ME: that was…magnificently stupefying

HER: please put the thesaurus down

@AndyAsAdjective: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma

CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid

@AndyAsAdjective: 7YR OLD: daddy, I don't want to go to bed, it's still light outside

ME: [explains daylight savings time]

7: that's the dumbest shit I've ever heard.

@AndyAsAdjective: JUMP

ING

UP

AND

DOWN

ON

THE

TRAMP

O

LINE

OUT

SIDE

YOUR

WIN

DOW

IS

NOT

HOW

I

WANT

ED

TO

BREAK

UP

WITH

YOU

KAR

EN